<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>star light, star bright by cherryhwa</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23863978">star light, star bright</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherryhwa/pseuds/cherryhwa'>cherryhwa</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>ATEEZ (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Compliant, M/M, Made myself cry, Memory Loss, Open Ending, color vision loss, do not worry there is some cute fluff, kinda like hanahaki but not, oh yes there's crying, one sided pining, side woosang n mentioned yungi, some language, star tear disease, this is Angst my friends</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 22:48:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,004</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23863978</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherryhwa/pseuds/cherryhwa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>star tear disease. a fantastical, if not unbelievable, condition that people get when they are in love with someone who doesn’t love them back. unrequited love. if the symptoms are severe, or the case is extremely serious, the photoreceptors in the patient’s eye will eventually cease to function, and the person will go colorblind. this is because the stars that fall take the color from those receptors for themselves. and in very severe cases, the person will experience memory loss. memory loss of the one they love.</p><p>or the one where seonghwa loves hongjoong and hongjoong loves seonghwa, but not in the same way</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>117</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>star light, star bright</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi friendos !! so i read a bokuaka (yes i love haikyuu) version of star tear disease and it made me cry a lot so y'all get a seongjoong version ! i've had pretty crappy writer's block for the past few weeks so i'm happy to say this very angsty fic helped reboot me. i'm sorry if i make you cry haha. also, star tear disease is kind of like hanahaki disease, but there's no blood and gore (which is good for me). anyways, please enjoy !!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When the first star drips onto Seonghwa’s hand, he realizes it’s too late.</p><p> </p><p>The glowing stars that are steadily falling onto his hands seem to mock him, the faint twinkling sound like a menacing loop. He’d only gotten out of bed to get a glass of water, but his mind had wandered to other things.</p><p> </p><p>Things like the red haired man that was sleeping peacefully on the bunk below his. The oblivious red haired man that he’d fallen in love with when he first walked into the KQ practice room. The stubborn red haired man who had said multiple times that he never wanted to get married or even date.</p><p> </p><p>He should have known his seemingly ‘harmless’ crush would build up to something like this. As idols, their lives were too busy to make room for romance, much less homosexual romance. Besides, Kim Hongjoong, self-proclaimed workaholic, would never fall in love anyways, let alone with him.</p><p> </p><p>“Who’s there?” The kitchen lights flicker on, and Seonghwa scrambles to wipe the steadily falling colorful stars that are drowning in his hand into a napkin. He looks over to the door, praying that it’s not Hongjoong, and that if it is, he’s too in his head or not awake enough to notice.</p><p> </p><p>But it’s Yeosang, and Seonghwa thinks maybe he’s caught a break. Unfortunately, his eyes are big as saucers, and well, he’s been <em> caught </em>, that’s for sure.</p><p> </p><p>“Hyung!” Seonghwa can only let his head drop onto the table as the younger rushes over. He feels Yeosang’s hands on his shoulders. Well. If Yeosang’s figured it out, he’s already screwed. “Hyung, oh my God, are you okay?” Yeosang’s hand runs over his arm, and he hears his breath hitch upon seeing the stars flooding out of Seonghwa’s hands.</p><p> </p><p>“Seonghwa-hyung…” His voice has a hint of pity in it and it makes Seonghwa’s stomach clench, because pity’s the last thing he wants at the moment.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeosang, I’m fine. You can go back to sleep.” They have practice tomorrow, and he doesn’t want his members to suffer because of him.</p><p> </p><p>Instead, the screeching of the plastic chair against tile floor signifies the other isn’t going anywhere, and Seonghwa internally sighs. He should’ve known better; Yeosang is stubborn, but of course, not as stubborn as Hongjoong.</p><p> </p><p>They sit in silence, Yeosang’s hand holding his, until he breaks the silence.</p><p> </p><p>“So. Star tears, huh?” His dongsaeng chuckles, but it’s forced. “Ah, hyung, truly, I never would’ve expected this from you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeosang, if you’re just going to tease me, go to sleep.” Normally, Seonghwa would joke around with Yeosang, but not now. Humor is the last thing on his mind. Not when he’s just discovered he has one of the most bizzare diseases on the planet, and it’s all because of Hongjoong.</p><p> </p><p>Yeosang goes quiet, but then he asks softly, “Is it Hongjoong-hyung?”</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa’s head whips up. The younger is blinking at him, in shock or sleepiness, he couldn’t tell.</p><p> </p><p>“How do you know?”</p><p> </p><p>Yeosang shrugs, carefully pushing the stars from Seonghwa’s palm to his own, and pouring them onto a napkin. They make little twinkling noises as they fall against each other, and the mix of colors would have been beautiful if they weren’t sucking the literal color from Seonghwa. “We all see the way you look at hyung.” The younger smiles a little, but it quickly falls as he says, “But we never thought it would come to this.”</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa sighs, burying his face in the sleeves of his, wait no, Hongjoong’s, sweater. Before they’d gone to bed, Hongjoong had refused to turn down the A/C in their room, despite it being nearly September, instead throwing Seonghwa his sweatshirt. <em> “Quit complaining, Hwa, and just take this.” </em></p><p> </p><p>Honestly, he feels like a teenage girl squealing over wearing her boyfriend’s jacket. Except, he wasn’t a teenage girl, and Hongjoong definitely wasn’t his boyfriend.</p><p> </p><p>Yeosang rubs circles on his back. “So. How long has this been going on?” </p><p> </p><p>“Which one?”</p><p> </p><p>The younger huffs in annoyance and rolls his eyes. “Star tears, Seonghwa-hyung. The last thing I want to hear about is how whipped you are for our leader.”</p><p> </p><p>“Fine. Then just now.” Seonghwa hates the blush that spreads on his face from the word “whipped” and instead focuses how shaky his voice is. He doesn’t want to seem weak. He can get over Hongjoong. Right?</p><p> </p><p>“You still have time then.” Yeosang sounds a little desperate, and when he looks up again, he hopes those aren’t tears in the younger’s eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t worry, Yeosang.” He smiles at his dongsaeng, reaching up to ruffle Yeosang’s already messy bedhead. Yeosang whines. “I’ll be okay. I promise.”</p><p> </p><p>An empty promise.</p><p> </p><p>“Hyung, come on, we can talk to Hongjoong-hyung. You never know.”</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa shakes his head. “Go get some sleep, Yeosangie. I’m sure Wooyoung is looking for you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Woo doesn’t wake up for shit.” Yeosang snorts lightly and looks away, but Seonghwa can see his smile.</p><p> </p><p>Yeosang and Wooyoung. A relationship Seonghwa could only wish for, a cliche best friends to lovers. Fortunately, neither of them ever had to experience star tears, as their attraction was mutual from the start and only required a little push from the rest of the members.</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa sighs, doing his best to smile. “Yeosang, I swear, I’ll be okay. I promise.”</p><p> </p><p>The younger gets up, but his eyes never leave Seonghwa’s. “Tell me if it gets worse. Please, hyung. Or I’ll rip your arms off.” His threat has no weight though; the arm pointed at Seonghwa is shaking and his voice is trembling. Seonghwa is hoping he doesn’t cry, because Kang Yeosang barely cries, and he’ll definitely get shit from Wooyoung if he makes his boyfriend cry.</p><p> </p><p>So he just laughs, and stands up to pat Yeosang’s head. “I will. Now go to sleep.”</p><p> </p><p>Yeosang rubs his eyes with small fists and nods, walking towards the direction of his and Wooyoung’s shared room. Before he opens the door though, he takes one last glance at Seonghwa, who simply nods.</p><p> </p><p>Once Yeosang is back in his room, Seonghwa sighs, picking up the napkin full of colorful stars, cradling it in his hand. The stars clink together;<em> this is something Hongjoong would write a song about </em>, he thinks, but then laughs quietly. Hongjoong always loved stories and fantasy. Seonghwa had sat up for hours listening to Hongjoong talk about it. And frankly, he could do it forever.</p><p> </p><p>When he opens the door to his room, he stands in the doorway, staring at the man who had unknowingly started all of this. And Seonghwa realizes, he doesn’t mind crying stars if it means they’re for Hongjoong.</p><p> </p><p>------</p><p> </p><p>Star tear disease. A fantastical, if not unbelievable, condition that people get when they are in love with someone who doesn’t love them back. Unrequited love. If the symptoms are severe, or the case is extremely serious, the photoreceptors in the patient’s eye will eventually cease to function, and the person will go colorblind. This is because the stars that fall take the color from those receptors for themselves. And in very severe cases, the person will experience memory loss. Memory loss of the one they love.</p><p> </p><p>A disease too beautiful for its depressing cause.</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa’s read about star tear disease. He’d never known or seen a real case, and he laughs bitterly at the fact that he himself is his first.</p><p> </p><p>And of course, there’s only one way to heal. To have your feelings returned.</p><p> </p><p>Like that’ll ever happen.</p><p> </p><p>When he walks into the kitchen in the morning, his eyes first flicker to where he was sitting the night before, searching for any of the shining stars. He internally sighs with relief, because there’s no way he’d be able to explain without exposing himself to someone besides Yeosang.</p><p> </p><p>Besides, the four members in the kitchen look far from being able to comprehend anything at the moment.</p><p> </p><p>San is sleeping on Wooyoung, and Jongho looks five seconds away from unintentionally dunking his head in a cup of coffee. However, Yeosang and Wooyoung are giving Seonghwa concerned looks, but he ignores them, shuffling over to the coffee machine.</p><p> </p><p>“Good morning.” He mutters, not really caring if anyone heard him.</p><p> </p><p>“Hyung…” Seonghwa turns to see Wooyoung, who’s pushing a sleeping San off of him and coming up to him to hug him. “Yeosang told me.” He mumbles, resting his head on the older’s shoulder. “If you need to talk to anyone I’m here.”</p><p> </p><p>Silently, he curses Yeosang out for telling Wooyoung, but he supposed since the two were dating, they’d tell each other everything. Who was he to comment on dating?</p><p> </p><p>So instead he smiles. “Thanks, Wooyoung.” The purple haired man smiles and begins shaking him. “Yah!”</p><p> </p><p>“So what are you cooking for us, hyung-ie?” Wooyoung was naturally loud, and even though it was 9AM, it was like they’d been awake for hours already.</p><p> </p><p>“Shut the fuck up, Jung Wooyoung.” San groans, his eyes screwed shut as he covers his ears. “Too early for this.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, shut the fuck up Woo.” Yeosang calls from the table and Wooyoung huffs, turning to go back to sit down, but not before he rubs Seonghwa’s shoulder in a meaningful way. <em> Talk to me, please. </em></p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa should be grateful for Wooyoung and Yeosang. Yet, he feels jealous.</p><p> </p><p>Before Wooyoung confessed to Yeosang, Wooyoung had come crying to Seonghwa. He was terrified that Yeosang would reject his feelings, and he would never be able to get over the older man, therefore having a chance of contracting star tear disease. Seonghwa had had to comfort him the entire night, making the both of them terribly exhausted the next day.</p><p> </p><p>But also, there had been one more person by his side the entire night as well. Hongjoong.</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa taps his fingers on the metal cover of the coffee machine as he stares outside, the sunlight barely coming in through the thick tree foliage just outside their window. Hongjoong had been there the whole night, sitting beside Seonghwa and attempting to calm their dongsaeng down.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Wooyoung, I promise, you won’t get star tears.” Hongjoong had said. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “But you don’t know that! Hyung, if Yeosang were to reject me, I would never get over it. I’d definitely get it!” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Hey, hey, you don’t know that he’ll reject you. Everyone sees the way you look at each other, Wooyoung. I’m pretty confident he likes you too.” Seonghwa had tried. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Well what about you, hyung? What if you liked someone and even though all the signs were there, they still didn’t like you the way you liked them?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Seonghwaaaaaa.” A quiet whimper drags him out of his thoughts, and he feels a weight hit his back. He turns around to see a red mess of hair buried into his sweatshirt. Seonghwa thinks his heart misses several beats.</p><p> </p><p>“Hongjoong, what?”</p><p> </p><p>“Too early.” The muffled voice says, and Seonghwa has to smile.</p><p> </p><p>“Want coffee?”</p><p> </p><p>“Mhm.”</p><p> </p><p>Why the hell does Kim Hongjoong have to be so cute?</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa takes his cup out from under the spout, and opens the cabinet, taking out Hongjoong’s light blue mug. He can feel Yeosang’s eyes on him, and he wills the younger to just please look away.</p><p> </p><p>A loud noise breaks the calm morning silence, and everyone turns just in time to see a half-asleep Mingi crash into the wall. Seonghwa breathes a sigh of relief hearing Wooyoung, San, Jongho, and Yeosang laughing and teasing the taller. At least they weren’t watching him and Hongjoong.</p><p> </p><p>“Was that Mingi?” He hears Hongjoong mumble into the sweatshirt and he laughs.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p> </p><p>“Dumbass.” But he hears the smile in the leader’s voice, and even though Mingi is hopelessly in love with Yunho (they all know this), he can’t help but feel a little jealous.</p><p> </p><p>Why were all the other members so lucky when it came to love?</p><p> </p><p>“Hwaa, I want coffee.”</p><p> </p><p>“Joong, can you just wait?”</p><p> </p><p>“No.”</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa sighs and turns around so that Hongjoong’s face is crushed into his chest. He sees Yeosang eyeing him suspiciously and he just glares at him. He doesn’t know if it’s because Hongjoong is half-asleep that he’s being so clingy but he really doesn’t mind.</p><p> </p><p>But even as he hands Hongjoong his cup of coffee and the other leans into him by the counter while they both drink, Wooyoung’s words blare like an alarm in his head.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> What if you liked someone and even though all the signs were there, they still didn’t like you the way you liked them? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>------</p><p> </p><p>“Hyung, you better come home and make dinner. Because I don’t want Mingi to almost burn down the dorm again.” Wooyoung is looking pleadingly at Seonghwa as Mingi sticks out his tongue at them.</p><p> </p><p>They were done with practice for the day, and of course, Seonghwa had his daily job of yanking Hongjoong out of his studio and forcing him to come home. But first, he was sending his members home with the promise that he would cook for them.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll try, Wooyoung, but you know your hyung. He works hard.” Seonghwa grins. “If I don’t come home in time, order chicken.” Yeosang cheers, Jongho glares at him. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeosang-hyung, all you eat is chicken.”</p><p> </p><p>“But it’s good.” Yeosang whines, but comically lowers his voice to the maknae. “You’ll learn when you’re older.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m only one year younger than you!”</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa suppresses his laughter. “Okay, well, go home. Or else Hongjoong’s gonna keel over in the studio and we’ll be responsible.”</p><p> </p><p>With a chorus of ‘goodbyes’ and ‘you better fucking come home and cook’ (Wooyoung), Seonghwa watches the company car drive away, and turns to go back into the building. Once he reaches Hongjoong’s studio, he knocks.</p><p> </p><p>No one answers.</p><p> </p><p>He knocks again.</p><p> </p><p>“Hongjoong?” He calls. “It’s me, Seonghwa.”</p><p> </p><p>No response.</p><p> </p><p>He tries again. “Hongjoong-ahh, it’s your favorite hyung.”</p><p> </p><p>Well. Not even his disgusting aegyo has coaxed Hongjoong to come out and punch him.</p><p> </p><p>He touches the door handle and it turns, allowing him inside. He chuckles upon seeing what was inside. Hongjoong, completely knocked out on his keyboard, sleeping peacefully.</p><p> </p><p>“Yah, Kim Hongjoong.” He raps the other’s head with his knuckles and Hongjoong whines, burying his face into his jacket. <em> Cute. </em> “Come on, we gotta go home.”</p><p> </p><p>At the word ‘home’, Hongjoong shoots up. “Wait! I’m not done!”</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa sighs. “You’re never done, Joong. It’s 11PM, let’s just go home already.”</p><p> </p><p>Hongjoong only grumbles in response. “Just let me finish this last part.”</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa eyes him. “You promise?”</p><p> </p><p>He gets a mumble.</p><p> </p><p>“Promise?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, Hwa, I promise.” Hongjoong says sarcastically, and Seonghwa just smiles softly. He kicks his feet up to lay down on the couch in Hongjoong’s studio and stares at the ceiling, listening to Hongjoong’s tapping at the keyboard.</p><p> </p><p>He acted like he hated waiting up for Hongjoong, but in reality, sitting in his studio to wait for him was nice. Watching his leader work on music meant for their group was inspiring really, and kind of attractive.</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa loved Hongjoong. That was why, why he was willing to wait up for him. To make sure he was safe and well-fed and happy. Because it made him happy.</p><p> </p><p>And maybe that was also why he was taking this stupid star tear disease so calmly. Because he would do anything for Hongjoong. Or maybe he was just resigned to his fate. Either way, if it meant he could spend time with Hongjoong like this, he would really do anything.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, sleepyhead.”</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa blinks. Had he fallen asleep?</p><p> </p><p>Seeing his lost expression, Hongjoong laughs from above him. “Ya, seriously, you wanted to wait for me and you fell asleep anyways?”</p><p> </p><p>“Not my fault. You take too long.” Seonghwa huffed, sitting up on the couch.</p><p> </p><p>“I do not. Anyways, it’s 1AM, we can go home now.”</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa is literally about to punch Hongjoong. </p><p> </p><p>But Hongjoong just grins and links their hands, and Seonghwa’s brain shorts out. He can only watch dumbly as Hongjoong flicks the studio lights off and locks the door. “Ready to go?” The other man knocks his shoulder. “Hey, Hwa, ready to go?”</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa shakes his head. “Yeah. Yeah of course.”</p><p> </p><p>Hongjoong chuckles. “You’re so weird.”</p><p> </p><p>And Seonghwa thinks, he probably has to agree, but he just shrugs and lets Hongjoong lead him out of the building, their hands entwined.</p><p> </p><p>------</p><p> </p><p>It’s only when Seonghwa is staring in mute shock at Yunho’s blue hair fading right before his eyes that he realizes what losing color vision means.</p><p> </p><p>He’s sitting in the living room on the couch with Yunho splayed out like a starfish, legs lazily thrown over his own. They’re watching some drama, but all Seonghwa can think about is Hongjoong and the star tears.</p><p> </p><p>He hasn’t cried since he realized he had contracted it, which was three days ago. Yeosang and Wooyoung were still trying to help him get rid of it, but he had a sinking feeling that their efforts would be useless. Every time he looked at Hongjoong, or hugged him, his feelings only doubled in size.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, hyung? What do you think about that second lead guy?” Yunho pokes Seonghwa’s chest with his foot. “I think he’s a dick.”</p><p> </p><p>“Eh.” Seonghwa can’t really judge, he hasn’t been paying attention.</p><p> </p><p>“What do you mean ‘eh’?” Yunho sounds offended, and he continues to poke Seonghwa until the elder looks at him.</p><p> </p><p>And really looks at him. And watches in mute terror as he watches Yunho’s bright blue hair fade quickly into a dull bluish gray.</p><p> </p><p>What. The. Hell.</p><p> </p><p>There’s no way he’s losing his color vision that quickly. The research he, Wooyoung, and Yeosang had done said it would take months, if not maybe a year, if he didn’t get over it. But having it happen right before his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t want to admit it, but he knows why. He’s too far gone in loving Hongjoong. The disease is affecting him faster.</p><p> </p><p>“Hyung! Hyung!” Yunho is shaking him, fear in his eyes. “Are you okay? You blanked out! Do I need to get Hongjoong-hyung?”</p><p> </p><p>“No!” The name brings him back and he doesn’t even realize he’s shaking. “I-I’m fine, Yunho.”</p><p> </p><p>The younger man doesn’t look convinced. “I’m getting hyung.” He gets up, but Seonghwa yanks him back down.</p><p> </p><p>“Yunho, <em> no </em>.”</p><p> </p><p>He kind of feels bad because now the younger looks like a kicked puppy, and he understands why their fans call Yunho a big puppy. Because now Seonghwa feels bad for yelling.</p><p> </p><p>“Ah. I’m sorry.” He lets go of Yunho’s wrist and buries his face in his hands. Great. Now he’s going to have to explain. He really only wanted to keep it to Yeosang and Wooyoung, but he supposes the tall man isn’t a threat, and sighs.</p><p> </p><p>“Yunho-ya, I’m sorry…”</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry for what?”</p><p> </p><p>That’s...not Yunho.</p><p> </p><p>When Seonghwa looks up, there’s a certain red haired man standing above him, staring at him in concern.</p><p> </p><p>Hongjoong.</p><p> </p><p>The cause of all his problems nowadays.</p><p> </p><p>“Ah. Joong.” Seonghwa looks away. “I’m fine. It’s nothing.”</p><p> </p><p>A weight settles next to him, and Seonghwa feels one arm wrap around his shoulder and pull him closer. Fuck, does he have heart problems or something? Because his heart beating weirdly fast.</p><p> </p><p>“Yah, Park Seonghwa, you can’t lie to me.” Hongjoong lightly chastises.</p><p> </p><p>Resigned, Seonghwa chuckles, despite himself. “I suppose I can’t.” He leans into Hongjoong’s body. It’s nice. The leader is warm and soft, and Seonghwa can’t help but cuddle closer.</p><p> </p><p>Hongjoong laughs. “I know. What’s wrong?”</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa shuts his eyes, breathing in the clean cotton scent of Hongjoong’s shirt. “Just sad, I guess.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why?”</p><p> </p><p>He lets himself fall onto Hongjoong’s lap, his head on his thighs, and smiles. “I don’t know.”</p><p> </p><p>“Wanna talk about it?”<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Seonghwa tries to even out his breathing, simply curling one hand around Hongjoong’s hand that’s laying on the couch. He thinks he hears the other’s breath hitch. Or maybe he’s just imagining. Pretending.</p><p> </p><p>“Hwa? You can talk to me you know.”</p><p> </p><p><em> I know. </em> Seonghwa thinks. He really is falling asleep, right here in Hongjoong’s lap. <em> You love me. But not in the way I love you. So, let me just pretend it’s the same way for now. </em></p><p> </p><p>“Hey, Hwa? Seonghwa?”</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa just tightens his hold on the other’s hand, feeling sleep dragging him down.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Just let me pretend for a little while longer. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>------</p><p> </p><p>You never realize how important something is until you’ve lost it.</p><p> </p><p>And Seonghwa never realized how devastating losing colors truly could be.</p><p> </p><p>Every day, he’s lost a color. He lost blue watching that drama with Yunho. He lost green going to the park with Yeosang and his green pennyboard. Orange with Wooyoung’s mom’s kimchi that the younger had brought back to the dorm. Pink when he went to get bubble tea with Mingi. Purple when he did laundry with San. Brown when he was talking to Jongho, and watched in sadness as the color faded from the maknae’s hair.</p><p> </p><p>And the day before he loses a color, the stars he cries bleed that color.</p><p> </p><p>It’s hilarious. That the only color he hasn’t yet lost completely is red. The color of Hongjoong’s hair.</p><p> </p><p>Every time he looks at Hongjoong, he almost laughs. The shock of red hair that stands out from the gray background. Hongjoong, who is quite literally the only color in his life at the moment and doesn’t even know it.</p><p> </p><p>Only Wooyoung and Yeosang know. They give him sad looks every time he passes by them. And today in the car to the company is no different. </p><p><br/>
Seonghwa is sitting next to San, who is talking to him animatedly about something, but he’s just staring at out of the window, the world completely gray except for the occasional splash of red. He can hear Yeosang and Wooyoung whispering, feel their eyes on him, but he ignores it.</p><p> </p><p>When they pull up to the building, Seonghwa is about to get out, but he feels a hand on his shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>“Hwa?”</p><p> </p><p>He turns around, even though he’d know that voice anywhere. “Yeah, Joong?”</p><p> </p><p>“You okay? You’ve been really off lately.”<br/>
<br/>
</p><p><em> Tell me about it </em>, Seonghwa wants to say, but instead he says, “Oh, really? Guess I’m in my head too much.” He tries not to pay attention to how Hongjoong’s clothes and skin are a mix of black, white, and gray, save for the shock of red hair.</p><p> </p><p>“Hwa, seriously. You know you can talk to me.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I know I can. I know, Hongjoong. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa just nods and tries not to look at Hongjoong’s concerned face, and jumps out of the car to go into the building.</p><p> </p><p>But even an hour later, Seonghwa’s thinking too much.</p><p> </p><p>They’re practicing choreography, but his mind is far from thinking about refining the choreography for ‘Say My Name’. All he can think about is red, red, red and the man dancing beside him sporting that exact color.</p><p> </p><p>The members are giving him concerned looks, Yeosang, Wooyoung, and Hongjoong even more so, but Seonghwa brushes them off. When Mingi, San, Yunho, or Jongho come up to him to ask him if he’s okay, he tries to give them the most sincere smile he can and tell them, yes, he’s okay.</p><p> </p><p>What a bold-faced lie.</p><p> </p><p>“Hyung, are you okay?” Yeosang asks him. His eyes say something else though. <em> You idiot. You know what’s coming. </em></p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa just smiles weakly. “Yeah. I’m fine.” <em> I know what’s coming. And I’m ready to accept it. </em></p><p> </p><p>Yeosang narrows his eyes. He looks like he wants to voice a rebuttal, but Yunho steps between the two of them.</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s take a break, hyung.” Yunho pats Seonghwa on the back. “Five minutes okay?”<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“Yeah.” Seonghwa wipes the sweat from his face. “Sounds good.”</p><p> </p><p>He starts towards the door, but freezes when he hears footsteps behind him. “I’ll go with you.”</p><p> </p><p>Slowly he turns, and watches in horror as Hongjoong’s red hair fades to a lighter shade right before his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>The other members are watching in confusion, and Seonghwa feels tears pricking at his eyes. Fuck.</p><p> </p><p>Without a word, he turns and runs out of the door, slamming it behind him.</p><p> </p><p>------</p><p> </p><p>It’s once they’re outside the practice room that Seonghwa breaks down, sinking to his knees and body hitting the wall. He throws an arm over his eyes, but he knows the stupid stars are coming out, and he hears Hongjoong gasp. <em> Go away. Why can’t you just go away? </em></p><p> </p><p>Is he talking to the stars, or Hongjoong?</p><p> </p><p>“Seonghwa-ya, talk to me.” Hongjoong’s hands are holding his other hand. His hands are way too soft, way too gentle. Seonghwa loves Hongjoong’s hands, but of course, he would never say it. “What happened? Why do you have star tears? Who is it?”</p><p> </p><p>He’s lost nearly all the colors now. After this, he would completely lose red and the whole world would be black and white. At this rate, he’d lose all his memories of Hongjoong.</p><p> </p><p>That just makes him cry harder.</p><p> </p><p>Hongjoong’s silent, waiting for his answer, and the only noise is the twinkling sounds as the stars leak under Seonghwa’s arm and hit the floor. </p><p> </p><p>What can he even say? <em> “Actually, Hongjoong, you see, I’m in love with you, but you’re not in love with me, so that’s why I’m crying stars. Also, fun fact, I’m about to lose my color vision and possibly my memories of you! So, it’d be nice if you could just leave me alone.” </em></p><p> </p><p>“Seonghwa…” Hongjoong’s thumb is rubbing circles on the back of his hand. “If you tell me who it is, maybe we can figure out a way-”</p><p> </p><p>“No!” Seonghwa doesn’t realize how loud he says it until he looks up to see Hongjoong’s eyes wide and his mouth slightly open. “We can’t.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, why not? Seonghwa, I know you could lose your color vision. We have to figure out a way!”</p><p> </p><p>“We can’t, Hongjoong.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, why not?” The leader’s voice is increasingly agitated. “Seonghwa, there <em> has </em> to be a way-”</p><p> </p><p>“Hongjoong, for God’s sake, it’s you! I’m in love. With. You!”</p><p> </p><p>So maybe there had been a better way to go about it. Most likely, yelling it in Hongjoong’s face wasn’t the greatest idea Seonghwa had ever had. But, now he knew. That there was no way to save Seonghwa’s vision, and at this rate, his memory as well. Because he loved Hongjoong too much to just let him go solely to heal himself.</p><p> </p><p>“Hongjoong,” he says, this time much quieter, “there’s nothing we can do. I’ll lose my color vision, and soon after, my memories. Thank you for trying.” He smiles at the frozen man in front of him. The red is fading even quicker, and Seonghwa closes his eyes, the warm stars sliding down his cheeks. When he reopens them, Hongjoong’s hair is dark grey.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you.” Seonghwa murmers. “I love you, more than you’ll ever know, Kim Hongjoong.”</p><p> </p><p>He gets up to go back into the practice room, but not before looking down at the stars that are pooling on his hand.</p><p> </p><p>He knows what colors the stars are supposed to be. He knows very well.</p><p> </p><p>But, all he sees is gray.</p><p> </p><p>------</p><p> </p><p>“And this,” the door swings open. The boy who’s holding his hand, what was his name again? Yeosang? says, “this is our practice room!”</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa steps inside. Why does he feel like he’s been here before? Yeosang told him that he’s part of an idol group, an idol group called ATEEZ, and they’ve been together for almost a year. He wonders how he got in. Why can’t he remember?</p><p> </p><p>The lights inside are bright, and there’s five people inside, stretching or warming up their throats for practice. Again, Seonghwa’s heart does a jump. He’s seen these people before, he just can’t remember <em> where </em> . Why the hell does his mind keep messing with him? It’s like he just came out from under anesthesia, there’s something <em> missing </em> and he doesn’t know what.</p><p> </p><p>“Here’s our members!” Yeosang says brightly, stepping in front of him. The man’s hair is curly and bouncy, and Seonghwa wonders what his hair color is. “That’s Wooyoung, he’s my boyfriend and a little shit. And then there’s Yunho and Mingi, they’re tall but they’re not at all intimidating; oh, Mingi don’t look at me like that. That’s San, he’s kind of loud but we all love him. Over there, that’s Jongho, he’s our main vocal maknae, but he could probably beat you up.” Yeosang flashes a bright smile at him, but something seems off about it. Almost like Yeosang knows something Seonghwa doesn’t.</p><p> </p><p>But he nods and continues listening as Yeosang talks animatedly.</p><p> </p><p>“We’ve all seen you dance and sing, and you’re super good at it! So we’ll all get along well-”</p><p> </p><p>The door they just walked through slams again, and everybody looks up.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh.” Yeosang’s tone drops significantly, and Seonghwa slowly turns around.</p><p> </p><p>A man is standing there, with a phone and coffee cup in hand. He’s short, and his hair is dark grey, which must mean he’s colored it some bright color.</p><p> </p><p>His eyes scan over Seonghwa, and Yeosang steps in between them.</p><p> </p><p>“And this, Seonghwa-hyung, is Hongjoong. He’s the leader of our group. Don’t worry, he looks mean, but he’s really not.”</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa steps forward, extending his hand, but Hongjoong looks...scared? His eyes flicker from Seonghwa’s face to his hand, and Seonghwa wonders if they’ve ever met before.</p><p> </p><p>“Hi Hongjoong, I’m Seonghwa.”</p><p> </p><p>The man stares at him, eyes blank. His mouth opens, but then closes again. Seonghwa hears Yeosang whisper, “It’s okay, hyung, you can do it.”</p><p> </p><p>Hongjoong’s hand closes stiffly around Seonghwa’s, but he doesn’t shake it. Instead they stand there, in the middle of the practice room, with the six others watching them. Hongjoong’s hand is soft. Warm. A little familiar. Seonghwa thinks that he’d want to hold this hand forever.</p><p> </p><p>The other man’s eyes travel from their joined hands to his face, and Seonghwa wonders why Hongjoong looks like he’s about to cry. But the man takes a deep breath, and the smile that appears on his face doesn’t quite reach his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Nice to meet you, Seonghwa.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>if you're here i'm so sorry for making you maybe cry . come n scream at me on twt @ treasureyeo , let's be friends !</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>